


You Are the Beat of My Heart

by melisandre013



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-13
Updated: 2013-08-13
Packaged: 2017-12-23 09:55:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/924968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melisandre013/pseuds/melisandre013
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Axel knows that he’s dreaming. The darkness is coming up to swallow him. He can feel it wrapping itself around his limbs like tentacles from some phantom kraken. Somewhere in the back of his mind, it occurs to him that this is the end. That when Nobodies die the body breaks down as the soul leaves the body. Axel will cease to exist and Lea will return. His memories will remain, but it won’t be the same. He won’t be Axel, this Axel who knew and touched and maybe even loved Roxas. Part of him knows this, but the greater part of him is dreaming. Dreaming of Roxas and what could have been. What should have been.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Are the Beat of My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for AkuRoku Day, 8/13/13. I'm not sure what happened. I intended to write a short PWP. This came out instead. Hopefully, it's good. I haven't written a work of fiction in almost two years. I haven't written fanfiction in longer than that. This story is un-beta'd, because I wanted to get it up before AkuRoku Day ended. 
> 
> See end of the story for more notes.

Axel knows that he’s dreaming. The darkness is coming up to swallow him. He can feel it wrapping itself around his limbs like tentacles from some phantom kraken. Somewhere in the back of his mind, it occurs to him that this is the end. That when Nobodies die the body breaks down as the soul leaves the body. Axel will cease to exist and Lea will return. His memories will remain, but it won’t be the same. He won’t be Axel, this Axel who knew and touched and maybe even loved Roxas. Part of him knows this, but the greater part of him is dreaming. Dreaming of Roxas and what could have been. What should have been.

 

He can see Sora, and he has Roxas’ eyes. Axel’s drowning in them, drowning and gasping for breath. He’s tired of fighting the darkness, and he lets himself fall through the deep blue ocean of Sora’s eyes until Axel’s resurfacing. His legs are swinging over the edge of the clock tower as he looks at the dusky sky of this world. Something cold is pressed to his tongue, and he can taste the tang of sea salt ice cream and feel the just slightly rough wood of the popsicle stick against his lips.

There’s a sound to his left, and Axel looks over to see Roxas. The hood of his coat is drawn back, his eyes are downcast. He’s quiet. Axel knows this look; he has memorized every look on Roxas’ face. He knows every muscle movement and what it means. Because every moment with Roxas counts. This look says he has questions.

_Hey, here comes the hard worker_ , Axel hears himself say. Roxas doesn’t look up, just turns to the side and swings his legs over the edge of the tower. Axel watches him silently for a few moments before Roxas speaks up.

_Xion around?_ Axel shakes his head. He remembers this day. _Haven’t seen her._

_Oh..._

_Somebody’s gotta talk to that girl._ When this was all really happening, that’s what Axel said. It isn’t what he wanted to say now. He struggles to get out different words.

_It’s her choice if she wants to come with us or not_.

Axel’s heart is pounding in his chest as his throat closes up around the words he’s trying to say. Instead, he emits a choked, _I guess that’s fair_.

There’s a pause. He thinks for a moment about reaching out and touching Roxas, grabbing his hand. Squeezing. Just to see if he could in this dream. Instead, he sits unmoving as he did back then.

_Axel, I need to ask you something._

_What’s up? Did something happen?_

Roxas shakes his head. _Nah, it’s just...this is gonna sound stupid._ His voice is quiet like he’s about to admit some fearful desire. _Do you know what love is?_

_‘Scuse me?_ It comes out harsher than Axel intended it to, both this time and last. His voice is high, concerned. If he had a heart, Axel would say he felt panicked.

_I found out about love on today’s mission—that it’s something powerful_.

Axel wants to scream. Yes, it is powerful. It can cross the boundaries between heartless and human, between Nobody and Somebody. It can make me see you where you no longer exist. _That’s true. It is. But I’ll never get to experience it._

Roxas looks up at that. He meets Axel’s eyes and Axel is drowning again. _Nobodies can’t love?_

_You need a heart, man._

_Right..._

Axel’s mouth is moving without any conscious thought. His lips form the words, but it’s as if there’s no connection to his brain. _Love is what happens if there’s something really special between two people._

_You mean, like, if they’re best friends?_

Exactly, he thinks, still looking in Roxas’ eyes. He feels lightheaded. _Well, you can care about your friends, I guess, but that’s not what I’m talking about._

_So then...love is like a step above friends?_

_Yes...Well, no. There aren’t “steps.”_

_I don’t get it._

Me neither. I never got you. _What does it matter? We’ll never know the difference._

_If I had a heart, you think I could love somebody?_ There’s a moment when the world shifts, stutters on the first words of its next phrase and slips out of place. Axel is falling from the clock tower, and he reaches out for something to grab on to. Suddenly, everything is set right. He’s seated, still next to Roxas. Axel looks down the length of his arm. His fingers are tangled in the folds of Roxas’ sleeve.

_I think you can do anything you want to,_ he says. Roxas looks down at Axel’s hand on his arm, then turns his own hand palm up. Axel slowly slides his fingers in between Roxas’ until they are interlocked.

_You think?_ Axel nods. Roxas smiles and squeezes his hand.

 

Axel is swept up and away from the clock tower. He watches Roxas fade to a tiny speck, but can still feel the pressure of his fingers in his hand. The darkness pulls him away and drops him in a narrow room. Xion is lying on the bed unconscious. Roxas stands next to him, and Axel reads tension in every line of his body.

_Are you worried about her, Axel?_

He is. He’s also worried about Roxas. Perhaps more worried. Axel reaches out one hand to the spikes of Roxas’ hair. He gently twists one through his fingers. _Of course I am_.

Roxas turns to look at him, smirking. Axel traces the curve of Roxas’ neck before letting his hand drop. Roxas doesn’t seem to notice. It’s all a dream, Axel reminds himself. _Doesn’t seem like you_.

_What do you mean?_

_You hate complications._

I could never hate you, Axel thinks. _Roxas...I meet up with you two every day for ice cream, right? Why do I do that?_

_Huh?_  

_I mean, you think about it, I don’t need to go out of my way, right?_

_I guess not._

Axel steps toward Roxas so that he’s close enough that all he would have to do is bend down and he could do it. He could brush his lips against Roxas’ face, cheek, lips. Roxas looks up at him, those blue, so blue, eyes are open and trusting. _You wanna know why I do? Because you’re my best friends. The three of us...we’re inseparable._

_We are?_

_That’s right—get it memorized. And you know what?_ Axel feels the tendrils of darkness creeping along his ankles once more. The dream is moving on. He catches Roxas’ hand once more in his hand. _Best friends are willing to deal with complications._ Roxas nods as the darkness consumes Axel.

 

The darkness is pooled around Axel’s feet. He walks through it, on and on. It drags at him, and he makes slow progress. There’s a grey haze in the air, and when he breathes it in, his chest tightens. It begins to thin out, and the darkness drains like water out from below him until he is standing in the Castle That Never Was and Roxas is running toward him. _Axel!_

_Oh, hey, Roxas_. He’s flushed and breathing heavily. _Where is she?_

_Safe._ Not safe, never safe. You were never safe, Axel thinks. Neither of you were.

_How could you do that to her?_

_Do what?_

_You didn’t have to use force._ Roxas nearly shouts. They are alone, no one else to hear how very upset Roxas is. To see how very numb Axel is. _Didn’t I?_

_No...of course not! We’re supposed to be best friends_.

This isn’t about friendship. That’s what Axel said that day. He’s got it memorized, just like every other moment with Roxas. _We are. Always._

Roxas looks at him, and his eyes soften. He sighs a little, then laughs. It’s clear and bright and it shoots straight through Axel’s chest. Axel clutches a hand to where his heart should be. He meets Roxas’ gaze and smiles through the pain. _If that’s all, I gotta go._

_If that’s all?_ Roxas smiles a small knowing smile and watches as Axel begins to fade away.

 

He’s shrinking to nothingness and the world grows unrecognizable around him as Roxas’ shape looms over him and becomes just a giant, indistinguishable blob. Axel becomes minute, minuscule, microscopic. Until everything rushes into focus and he sees his reflection in a window. His arms are crossed, and the face Axel sees looking back at him is heavy.

_Axel._ He hears his name, and he turns around to face Roxas immediately as if commanded by his presence. _Hey, Roxas_.

They stand in silence. Roxas is looking him up and down. The corners of his mouth are turned down in a frown. His arms are at his side, hands clenching and unclenching into fists. Axel tries to tear his gaze away but he can’t make himself unsee what the Organization has done to Roxas.

_You find Xion?_ Axel shakes his head. _Like it’s gonna be that easy_.

_I know..._ Roxas walks closer to Axel to look out the window. _Have you been keeping the truth about her from me this whole time?_

Axel looks at Roxas’ profile. The fine lips, thin point of his nose, angled jaw. One sliver of blonde hair descends just in front of his ear, moving ever so slightly against Roxas’ cheekbone. Axel resists to the urge to brush it, tuck it back. _...Not the whole time_.

Roxas turns sharply and meets his gaze. The blue eyes are narrowed and hard. _When did you find out?_

_Oh, I dunno_. If only you knew, he thinks. _Somewhere along the way._

_Didn’t get it memorized, huh?_ Axel can see the muscles in Roxas’ jaw tighten and relax. _Axel...who am I, really?_

He wants to speak up, tell him the truth. But he can’t make the words come out. You’re Roxas. You are the Nobody who came into my world and made me feel like I was Somebody. You are Roxas, my Roxas. My friend. My— _I’m special, like Xion. I know that_.—Roxas, who smiles at me like you care. _But the Organization wanted me out of the picture_.

_They did._

_Is it because Xion copied my Keyblade and they didn’t need me anymore?_ Axel stays quiet and watches Roxas’ face fall. _And you feel the same way._

_No, you’ve got that part wrong. You’ll always be my best friend._ Axel reaches out, tries to grab Roxas’ hand. But Roxas has spun away and marched to the other side of the room.

_Best friends are honest with each other. Who am I, Axel?_ Axel looks away. He can’t meet his gaze and just stares at the pattern on the floor. _Xemnas said me and Xion are connected to Sora. Who is that? Tell me. Am I a puppet like Xion?_

Axel shakes his head. _What, then?_

He sighs, brings a hand up to run through his long red hair, then glances up. Roxas’ blue, so blue, eyes show all the confusion, betrayal, hunger, and hope that only Roxas can ever express. Axel crosses the room to stand in front of Roxas and says quietly, _You really think the truth is going to make you feel better? It won’t._

_What makes you so sure?_ Because I’ve seen what happens when you leave, when you learn, when you change into someone else. _I have a right to know who I am. How did I get here? Why am I special? Where did I learn to use the Keyblade? I deserve these answers._

_Roxas..._ Axel reaches out his arms and wraps them around Roxas, pulling him tight to his chest. He’s short enough that he comes right to his collar, and Axel rests his head down on top of Roxas’. He smells like sand and palm trees and seawater. Axel feels Roxas’ chest expand and contract with a sigh. _Are you gonna tell me or not? Axel...who am I?_

_You’ve just gotta trust me, Roxas._

_I don’t._ He pushes against Axel’s chest with the palms of his hands and moves out of the circle of his arms. Roxas turns away. Axel reaches out to catch one of his arms. _Hey, c’mon..._

Roxas shrugs him off. _If I can’t get answers here, I’ll get them somewhere else. Somebody knows where I came from. That’ll be the person I trust_. He walks out of the room without a glance back. Axel tries to run after him, but before he takes a step, the walls and floor melt away and turn to black smoke. He doesn’t fall, but stays suspended as he stares at Roxas’ back until he, too, fades away.

 

Buildings are rising out of the darkness. Pavement comes up beneath his feet as Axel finds himself leaning against a column in the town. There are footsteps come his way, but Axel doesn’t look up. He can’t make himself move, he’s stuck in time. Roxas walks past him, without a pause in his stride.

_Your mind’s made up?_ Axel hears himself ask. Roxas stops. He turns his head to the side and looks over his shoulder at Axel. Axel’s head is pounding, the blood rushing through his veins sounds like an ocean compared to this quiet night and the heavy silence that sits between them now.

_Why did the Keyblade choose me? I have to know._ Axel knows he has to go. There’s nothing he can do to change it. Has to let him leave. It’s selfishness that makes him say, _You can’t turn on the Organization. You get on their bad side, and they’ll destroy you._

Maybe Roxas will care about risking his life, maybe this time he’ll hear the meaning behind Axel’s words. Maybe this time he’ll stop and look at him and meet his gaze and smile. Just once more. _No one will miss me._

_That’s not true...I will._ Axel closes his eyes, because Roxas is walking away from him again. He won’t watch it happen a second time. Axel breathes in through his nostrils, trying to control his body. Trying to calm down. Willing the darkness to find him again and quickly so he can stop dreaming of this moment.

Something warm is brushing against his fingers, and it takes him a moment to register that it’s someone else’s hand. He opens his eyes to see Roxas looking up at him. He has come back, wrapped his hand around Axel’s. Axel smiles and squeezes Roxas’ hand tightly.

_I know you miss me._ Roxas stands on tip-toe and touches his lips to Axel’s. It’s hesitant, and Axel barely feels it. But the kiss is real. Roxas pulls back and looks up at him, and Axel can see in his eyes he’s about to turn and leave again. Suddenly, Axel is moving, wrapping his arms around Roxas. One is at the small of his back, pulling him in close. The other is tangling in Roxas’ blonde hair, tilting that head up so Axel can press down, kiss him. He feels Roxas’ fingers snake through his own red hair as he’s kissed back, fiercely. Axel is drowning, falling, but it’s freeing this time and such a relief to be out of breath at this moment.

The tendrils of darkness snake out and wrap themselves around Axel. Each one traveling up his body, swaddling him. They cover his legs, his torso, his arms. Axel can feel them pulling him away from Roxas, breaking the kiss. Roxas smiles, and reaches out and brushes his fingers against Axel’s cheek. The darkness wraps around his neck, and Axel just manages to choke out before it covers him whole, _Get it memorized. I love you, Roxas._

Axel knows that he’s dreaming. He knows that Roxas never turned around. He knows that they never held hands on the clock tower or in the Castle. Roxas never smiled at him so brightly it set fire to his chest. Never let Axel hold him. Never came back to kiss him. The fantasy is too tempting to let go of. He doesn’t fight the darkness as it comes to claim him, to take away his body. He’s dreaming instead.

 

_I wanted to see Roxas. He was the only one I liked. He made me feel like I had a heart._

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The dialogue between Axel and Roxas is adapted from Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days. You can find the actual dialogue in Days 171, 193, 296, and 355. 
> 
> If you like, feel free to comment and/or give kudos.


End file.
